I made up my mind to get to know Christ my sophomore year of college. Why? Well, I was at a point where I just didn’t have anything meaningful to hang on to in this world. I remember thinking; “the only way for my life to have meaning, is for me to find something to define it. I might as well let it be God, at least then I won’t have to rely on myself”.
At the time I really hated and didn’t trust myself, so finding meaning through myself just seemed like an endless cycle of unknowns. I was already confused enough and tired of trying one thing just for it to fail. Defining my purpose just to not be motivated enough to pursue it got really tedious, especially since it all seemed meaningless anyway. I didn’t want anything that life had to offer, I just wanted death; which I had just failed at acquiring two years prior and wasn’t about to try and fail again. I was fed up with failing, especially since I wasn’t working towards something that meant anything to me.
Then, one day after relapsing, I sat there arm bleeding and made up my mind that once back on campus, I would look for a church. It wasn’t super easy to do, but I also was tired of feeling helpless, useless, and empty. In addition to finding a church, I made it my goal to read the Bible through from Genesis to Revelations. The verses I hung on to when I first started reading, were the ones that validated my feelings, my favorite one at the time being Ecclesiastes 4:2-3 (NLT). There were also other verses that helped me feel a little less empty, like Matthew 6:25-34. To this day, I would say Matthew 6:25-34 is still one of my favorite passages.
One thing also that I’m really grateful for was that I was able to make new friends who showed me that living a Christ-filled life is not all about religious regulations. I can totally be myself because that’s who God made me to be. The challenge being that I had to redefine myself since I had let go of so much of myself. Building my life back hasn’t been a piece of cake, but as time has passed, it’s gone from bad to better to pretty great.
While I don’t get depressed anymore like I used to, I am definitely ready for Christ’s return so I can leave this earth. I’ve been a bit better at managing my emotions, but sometimes they get the better of me, whether I’m feeling too much or not enough. Allowing myself to feel is probably one of the tougher challenges.
I definitely can’t go back, but I am also working on not being carnally minded after everything Christ has done for me. If he died for me, then I can live for him.
I still have a long ways to go, but He’s definitely walking me through every step of the way. He’s not finished with me yet!